I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
