I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
