STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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