Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
