Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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