he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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