Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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