im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
