...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
