im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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