I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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