Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
