Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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