oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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