i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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