nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
