I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
