I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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