Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
