So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
