If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
