Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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