If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
