spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
