I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Drunk is a universal language darling
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
