I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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