This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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