peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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