I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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