Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize