I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize