my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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