I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
