Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i wish my penis had a tongue
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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