apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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