if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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