my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
