textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
