Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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