I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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