Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
