It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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