You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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