I cockslap morals
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
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