First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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