Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
