walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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