This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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