"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
