Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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