I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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