seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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