DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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