saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Randomize
