You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
